Are We Loving Well?
Issue 013
MAY 9, 2018
WRITTEN BY W. BRYCE HAGEDORN
Dr. W. Bryce Hagedorn is the program director of counselor education at the University of Central Florida. Bryce is an Elder and serves in a variety of ministries at Northland Church, including directing the marriage preparation program. He also serves at UCF as faculty mentor for Christians as Counselors, leader of the College of Education Bible Study Fellowship, and faculty member for To Write Love on Her Arms. Bryce holds a doctorate of counseling from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro, a master’s degree in mental health counseling from the University of Central Florida, and a bachelor’s degree in psychology from the University of Illinois at Chicago. His wife, Olga, is the creator of Cupcake Tree Designs and a full-time mom to their children, Mackenzie and Logan.
As the body of Christ, I believe it behooves us to ask that question often and to be prepared to receive the truth. For those of us who consider Jesus as our model for loving well, we need to align our methods to His. From my understanding of the teachings of Jesus (and His disciples), loving like Jesus would mean that we would:
(a) go where the people are (not expecting them to come to us) and lean in towards those who others shun (not expecting people to “clean up their act” beforehand) and
(b) humble ourselves (abandoning our agenda for being seen as right and worthy of honor/ respect) and deliver messages of love and hope with the perfect mixture of grace and truth.
The Body of Christ does some amazing things in the name of Jesus, displaying love to people groups in ways that build bridges for relationships that lead to eternity. One people group where I believe we may have missed the “loving well” mark (or at least where we have lacked consistency) has to do with those belonging to the LGBTQ+ community. I’d like to offer a few perspectives related to how we might better love this community.
“If we are to love like Jesus loves, then we need to be reminded that He offered His acceptance and grace to us WAY before we ever asked for it and even when we continually turn our backs on Him.”
Going and Leaning In
Members of the LGBTQ+ community have places where they congregate to be around those from whom they feel acceptance and grace (i.e. unmerited favor). The church has traditionally (and unfortunately) not been such a locale, and whereas I will not attempt to delineate all the possible reasons for this, I want to focus on our displays (or lack thereof) of acceptance and grace. If we are to love like Jesus loves, then we need to be reminded that He offered (and continues to offer) His acceptance and grace to us WAY before we ever asked for it (Romans 5:8) and even when we continually turn our backs on Him (even after calling Him our Lord and Savior).
It is easy to confuse “acceptance” with “endorsement” and “grace” with “works” (i.e. earned favor). We all crave acceptance: for many of us it’s the motivation behind many of our behaviors. When I first ran into Jesus, I found exactly what I was looking for: He accepts me just the way He found me (John 3:16). Then, as I traced the steps He laid before me [i.e. by following Him (Matthew 4:19), trusting Him (Mark 6:7-9), and obeying Him (John 14:15)], He revealed areas of my life that interfered with my accepting His acceptance, areas that got in the way of my knowing and loving Him (and others) well. But, whenever I try to pursue Him out of that sequence (e.g., by trying to obey before I follow or trust), then it’s very easy to get sucked into a works-based faith that demands the same kind of behavior from others. So let’s begin by demonstrating the love of Jesus as we accept others just the way they are.
So what about endorsement? Before I considered myself a part of the Body, had someone endorsed those things that led to my identity, I do not think that would have been the thing that attracted me to wanting to know about Jesus. Rather, I felt accepted and I felt displays of grace without my having to change a thing. Even more, I saw others loving well, accepting well, and dispensing grace from a firehose and I thought to myself, “Hey, I want some of THAT!”
So where are the people who need that kind of acceptance and grace? They are in your family, your school, your place of business, your grocery store, and sometimes, even in your church. We need to go where they are, hang out where they hang out, learn to speak their language and respect their customs. The heart craves grace: let’s be dispensers of God’s abundant supply.
Humbling and Delivering
I have found that when people experience acceptance (“I feel known and safe”) and grace (“I am valuable and worthy of love”) without any “hooks”, they eventually express a desire to want to know more. These desires might be sparked during times of transition, distress, decision-making confusion, and even elation. It is incumbent upon us to discover the ideal mixture of continued grace and budding truth (Colossians 4:6) at those precise times. Jesus was able to “do” love perfectly, for He knew each person’s heart immediately upon encountering them and knew how much grace and how much truth each needed to make their own “follow Me” decisions. Jesus is full of both grace and truth (John 1:14), so if we’re going love like Jesus, we need both. But given that I do not have His divine “heart-knowing” attribute, if I am going to try following His example, I need to take the necessary time to humbly invest in people, walking alongside them (not forcing them to walk alongside me) and learning when and how truth needs to be applied to their journey.
Maybe you were attracted to Jesus through heavy applications of truth, but for me it was heavy doses of grace with truth applied lovingly and in the context of a trusting relationship. How did I (or the people walking with me) know when I needed more truth in my life? It was only through my having tasted true acceptance/love and wanting more that I came to realize that there were areas of my life that were preventing me from what I most desired…I came to a place where I asked for truth. In other words, I was shown grace and I began to seek truth. And the truth that I came to understand over time is that God has a grand design for everything, and that once I submit my own way of doing things (my needs for control, my personality, my sexuality, everything), it is then and only then that I experience the freedom in Christ that releases me to truly live (Galatians 5:1). I do not think that we’re going to get folks there if we soley lead with truth.
Now, I readily admit that my thoughts, motives, and behaviors are far from perfect. God forgive me, but I often prioritize my agenda over God’s agenda, I rush into things without being asked, and I want to be seen as both right and respected. All this to say, I can preach it much easier than I can do it, and that is why I need the entire body to help me love others well. Collectively, as the Body, we can and must love others in the exact ways they need to help them experience the acceptance and grace that draws them toward a loving Father through Jesus.
Just my two cents…